Are you dragging a dead friendship? Trust me, there’s freedom on the other side. Lose some weight. Keep only true friends.

Friendship is a lifeline you can reach for when you want, subject to boundaries. To me friendship connotes fun, the freedom to share, and the opportunity to show that you care. Your friend is that one person with whom you can be your true self without judgment.

As we age, we lose friends and to drag on a dead friendship is far harder than letting go. The old cliché that ‘we are such good friends that we can pick up from where we left off’ is simply that – a cliché. A few drinks might leave you reminiscing about the good old days but you can easily replace the person on the other side with anyone because it’s not them, it’s the alcohol.

Not everybody can be your lasting friend. Friendships die to and here is what you need to be cognizant of when you feel in your heart that things are over.

1. Crossing boundaries – Boundaries are violated when your personal life details are shared with others without your permission. What was between friends becomes everybody’s talking point and this feels like betrayal (because it is). Boundaries can be physical or emotional (even sexual). Whatever its form, it can leave you feeling exposed.
2. Your friend no longer has time for you – This is the first sign that things are going south because your friend now feels ‘bored’ to meet you. Or they’re so busy that they don’t have time for you. This is just an excuse. No matter how busy you are you make time for someone who matters to you even if it is just a phone call where you can have a heart to heart.
3. Your values and political views are divergent now – If you cannot discuss your political views, cultural views and values with a friend, trust me, nothing much is left. These are core traits of any person and if this is off limits, you’re not with the right person.
4. Your friend competes with you – I once had a friend who constantly compared herself with me and discussed me in front of others saying how bad I look, or comparing me to others and passing remarks. This smacked of jealousy and competition. I felt constantly judged. Time to move on.
5. You’ve become a burden for your friend – Your friend has constantly dropped hints that they know everything about your life and you, and there is nothing left to talk about. They show up when you’re sick and need help but never otherwise. You’re not someone’s responsibility but they make you feel that way.
6. You’re not considered for trips and outings – They talk to you and claim how much you mean to them but all trips and outings are planned with other friends. If at all they go out with you, they look restless, bored and claim how they had to cancel plans with others to meet you. Bye bye!
7. You’re the only one making plans to meet – If there is no reciprocation and you’re the only making all the efforts to meet, then you’re looking like a fool. Please read the writing on the wall.
8. There is no conversation, only perfunctory birthday & Diwali messages – This is the last stage. You are reduced to a vendor with whom people keep in touch in the corporate world for networking. You’ll get the perfunctory Diwali message and happy birthday message because its there in the calendar not because they want to talk to you. Quit already!

Sometimes, superficial friends can be fun when mixed with alcohol but they are no replacement for a fulfilling, encouraging, deep conversation that you can only have with a true friend. But that’s not real friendship.

So, what is real friendship?

What did Krishna Bhagawan have with Arjun? There was love, bonding, guidance, trust and companionship that couldn’t be replaced by any other. That’s true friendship. Whether you want to talk about something that’s bothering you, share the joy of an achievement, shower your love and attention or just be in the same room doing your own thing and sharing silence, friendship is what nourishes your soul. You need not be equals in potential, age, gender, or anything. Anybody can be your friend. And yes, you will have disagreements but these can be resolved and you can move ahead. But not everybody is here to stay.