Quick-reads

It was the same today. Neel woke up with a heaviness in his chest, feeling paralyzed and unable to move, his head full of the noise of thoughts he couldn’t discern. He lay there for close to an hour mustering the courage to face another day and beat what he thought was lethargy, inaction. Everyday was a fight.

It was still dark outside when he managed to get out of bed. He went to the kitchen to make some coffee. The clock struck 3 am. He sat at the kitchen table for his throat was choking – with tears? By the time he got to the coffee, it had turned cold. He drank it down to wake himself up and get out of that unexplained stupor that he struggled with every day.

He kept sitting, thankful that Roshini was fast asleep and he had no explaining to do for sitting frozen and staring into nothingness. He didn’t move. The hours flew past, unfortunately.

For months, this was Neel’s routine. He barely slept. But Roshini never noticed. No-one noticed. He had no-one. He was thankful for this too because he had no energy to explain or talk. If he spoke, his chest hurt. When he laughed, chatted, worked, etc., his chest began to hurt. He felt like he would collapse. Thank God no-one noticed.

That morning  

7 am – Roshini woke up and called out to Neel. When she walked into the kitchen and saw the pot of stale coffee, she was irritated. ‘Why can’t you at least make some good coffee? What do you do here? What time did you wake up?’

Neel – ‘About 40 minutes back.’

Roshini – ‘Anyway, as usual it will be me making breakfast and packing lunch for us… That’s not your department, is it? Hmph!’

Neel – Sorry Roshini! I’ll get ready for work…

Roshini muttered – ‘I wonder what you do there… sit and stare?’

Neel heard that but had no energy to explain. He went to the balcony and lit a cigarette. He wanted to snatch a few moments of peace. Just then, Mrs. Chopra from next door came to dry the clothes. She started chatting with Neel and warning him about how harmful cigarettes are and why he should stop immediately. All he could do was smile and walk away. He smoked the rest of the cigarette in the bathroom.

When Neel stepped out of the shower room, he somehow slipped on the wet bathroom mat. He grabbed the wash basin for support. It tilted and fell on him breaking into pieces. He had cuts on his arm and chest.

Hearing the thud, Roshini came and opened the door. She was beside herself when she saw the broken wash basin. ‘How are we going to fix this Neel? Can’t you be more careful?’

Roshini – ‘Oh dear! You have cuts… Let me clean and dress them. Sit down.’

Neel sat down as Roshini cleaned the wounds and dressed them. He wore a shirt and trousers not minding the pain one bit. It was sweet release.

At Office

Neel had a special place in his Boss’ heart. After joining this job, he somehow became the dumping ground for everything that was going wrong at work. And things always go wrong.

Entitled, insolent and dominating. Three words that described his boss. She not only yelled at Neel regularly, but also yelled at him for something someone else got wrong. Later she would apologize to Neel for shouting but the damage was done. Neel was trembling, choking and his chest pain worsened.

This afternoon, the boss handed Neel an instruction manual she had written. She gave him specific instructions on how to elaborate it and add some charts. The noise in his head did not let him listen to a single word and he understood nothing.

He sat with it for a long while and decided to write what he could. Needless to say, the boss was beside herself and gave him an earful. But this was just the beginning.

A little later, the boss called him and asked him why the content for customer messages was not yet done. ‘The English piece is done but since I don’t write Hindi, I’ve assigned it to a team member. He has just come in after leave and is getting down to it.’

The Boss – ‘I don’t care Neel. I want it now. Right now. No excuses.’

After 15 minutes…

The Boss – ‘Neel, the marketing team told me that you’ve used the wrong brand colour in a creative. Why is this happening? It’s been two months since you joined and you don’t know the brand colours?’

Neel – ‘Ma’am I have been asking for the brand guidelines but I was told that’s not important. The marketing team never gave it to me even though I followed up.’

The Boss – ‘Don’t give me another cock and bull story. Get the guidelines today and learn it up. Even if you have to spend the night here.’

During lunch break

The Boss – ‘Neel, where are you?’

Neel – ‘I’m just having lunch ma’am.’

The Boss – ‘Forget lunch and come to the meeting room.’

In the meeting room, Neel was yelled at in front of his colleagues because his junior writers did not finish the SEO targets. He had explained to his Boss many times that the targets are too steep and cannot be completed within the stipulated time. This only made the Boss more insolent. ‘Did I ask for your opinion? Don’t use your brain… Just do what I say…’

Neel couldn’t have lunch but he could have a cigarette. He stepped out and lit one. He thought taking a walk would help. So, he started walking. And walking. And walking… He walked for close to two hours and reached home.

No-one was home. For the first time in months, he was happy. Really joyful.

That evening

Roshini returned home at 8pm and rang the bell but no-one opened the door. ‘Guess Neel is not back yet…’ She took out her set of keys and opened the door. She made a dash for the kitchen and started cooking because Neel would be hungry when he reached.

She made sindhi kadhi and rice – Neel’s favourite. She went to the bedroom to freshen up.

She opened the bedroom door. She found Neel hanging from the ceiling fan.

The bad day was over.

***

Mental illness is invisible and lethal. Be kind.